I had the opportunity to visit New Mexico for work this week. I had never been there before and once we arrived in the mountains of Taos, I found it to be beautiful there. It's different from other areas I've visited… much more stoic… with rivers cutting through rock mountains.
The entire vibe of the area is unique, as well. Steeped in the culture of the Native Americans, the community is very in touch with the spiritual world of nature.
It's ironic – or perhaps not at all – that I would be in this sort of hippy, granola, kum-bah-ya environment at this exact moment in my life, as I was prompted to look in the mirror to see if I could recognize myself.
For several reasons, my world has become so small, that there's no room whatsoever for anyone else. I've spent the last five months living in my own shadow. Maybe that's a bad metaphor, but it's the best I can do right now.
Since that day in April, I've been spending an awful lot of time listening to my own body and my own emotions. To continue the bad metaphors… I've been living alone in a cave, with every anxiety magnified by echoes like drips of water. I've been so fixated on myself, that I stopped paying attention to anyone else.
My self-focus was exacerbated by a job transfer – which is understandable, to some degree. Everyone wants to go out on top and everyone wants to make a good first impression. But… when combined with the aforementioned cave-dwelling meant that my world became very, very small – with no room for anyone else.
The people that I love the most have suffered because of it.
And I've hurt my wife more than anyone else.
I didn't come upon this revelation purely on my own, mind you. I'm lucky that I have people who love me enough to bitch-slap me back to reality.
I've been living in some alternate universe for the last five months. I've been AWOL. That's on me. I did that. I let it happen. And I'm ashamed of it, but… that's what I've done.
Now it's on me to make the trip home.