I can't wait for this day to be over. In some ways it was a really great day, but – in the way that matters most – it was awful.
The way I feel right at this moment confirms that regardless of how great or awful my life may become over the years, there's really one one thing that matters to me: my wife. I don't think that I forget that, but maybe I do sometimes.
It's easy to get wrapped up in other things that sound important, or that other people deem important, but none of them compare. All of them combined don't even begin to compare to just one smile.
And she's sick and needs to sleep, but I could really use just one smile right now. And I absolutely don't deserve one.
Merrin always takes care of me – not just when I'm sick, but everyday things that are too easily overlooked and taken for granted more times than I would care to admit. If I'm being honest with myself, it's easier to count the things I don't take for granted. The list would be shorter. The clock just runs and then the day is gone – and all the little things have passed. Noticed or unnoticed, too many things are taken for granted. Sometimes she'll tell me that I take care of her too, but I'm not sure that its true – at least not in any way that would be comparable.
Today she needed me to take care of her and I really didn't know how. I asked, but what she really needed wasn't questions. She just needed me to do it – to take care of her. And I'm ashamed to say that I simply haven't taken care of her. I asked her if she needed this or wanted that. That made me feel better, made me feel like I was doing something. But it didn't make her feel any better, which was all she really wanted.
Nothing in the whole world compares to seeing the one person that you love happy. Tonight, she's not. Far from it. She's sick and miserable and tired and disappointed.
So tonight, I'm just ready to go to sleep. I'm so ashamed and disappointed. Tomorrow, I'll ask the one person that accepts all my flaws & faults to forgive me, again. And she will, because she loves me, even when I don't deserve it. Today is one of those days when I don't.
And I pray to God that I can be a better man tomorrow.