Let me set the stage: Merrin & I walk into the master bedroom at her Father's house in the Bahamas. We sat our bags down and I started to unload my pockets on the nightstand. And then I saw it. I did a double take. Was I imagining it? Nope, there it was. I started to reach for it and then slowly withdrew my hand. I called Merrin over, not taking my eyes off of it as if it were a wasp. She joined me and we stared at it in silence. After what must have been five seconds (but it seemed like at least thirty seconds – which is a long time to stare at something in silent disbelief!), I finally got the courage to speak.
"ELEPHANT LUBE?! What the hell is Elephant Lube?! And it's Peppermint Sage?! Gross!"
Merrin was in shock. Connecting her Father and the word "lube" would send most people off a cliff, but combining a pachyderm with some rub had sent her into complete submission. She was silent. I reached for the tub and examined it in more detail.
"Elephant Lube, Peppermint Sage, Salve for fingers, toes, and elbows." I paused and thought through the ramifications of this discovery. "Freaks!" I shouted.
After much examination and (admittedly) experimention, we came to determine that the Elephant Lube in question was not some pilfered souvernier from a porn set, but rather a sweet, sweet nectar blessed by the Lord God Almighty himself.
Elephant Lube, as luck would have it, seems to cure what ails ya. Hell, even saying "Elephant Lube" brought a smile to my face. But the shear greatness of Elephant Lube wasn't the refreshment it offered to dry hands, it was the amazing healing power it possessed for sunburns. And if I had anything during our most recent stay in the Bahamas, I had a sunburn. (Photo evidence)
It's been a long time since my last confession, so here, today – in front of God and everybody – I'm ready to confess: I love Elephant Lube.