Dear Beavers of Flower Mound,
I have this tree in my front yard that looks awful. No one in the whole neighborhood has anything like it, mostly because it's the ugliest tree in the world. It even makes Charlie Brown's Christmas tree look like a majestic pine a la Clark Griswald. I've raised the canopy and the branches just keep sagging to the ground. The bark peels off constantly and none of the branches are more than an inch or two in diameter. It's the most disgraceful thing. Please, please chew down my tree and take it to your damn dam.
Thanks and keep chewing!
Sorry about the tree, mate. Right oh. The thing is though, mate, we don't want your damn tree either. Better it's in front of your house than part of ours, you know?
Best and all,
Dear Ungrateful Beavers,
First and foremost, what's with the fake accent? I've seen the cartoons, all you beavers talk with a speech impediment because of your huge flipping chompers. C'mon, y'all – come get this tree.
Stop calling. No one likes your tree. If it makes you feel any better, you probably won't have any trick-or-treaters this year either because your tree scares them all off. Bugger off, mate.