Secret Decoder Ring

Someone managed to smuggle this out of the Vault of All Things Woman. Hopefully it will help us all in our quest to better understand the "fairer" sex:

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
"Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and
she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in
conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Seen in various forms via email and (most recently) at BadMoney.

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